I work with this subject from inside it.

I thought becoming a mother would mostly be about learning how to raise a child and, along the way, probably trying not to emotionally damage them. I didn’t realise how much of it would involve meeting parts of myself I thought I had left behind long ago.

I got extremely triggered when I found out my kids had told me a lie. I would also beat myself up over the fact that they had experienced divorce, because child me had promised my future kids that they would not suffer the same fate I did.

Growing up, I learnt a lot of things, but not the usual things one would presume a child learns during their childhood. Instead, I learnt how to read rooms quickly, to carry adult responsibility, to be the peacekeeper, to understand others’ needs before my own. For me, that was just everyday life, simply because it was the only family system I was familiar with.

It took me a long time to see through all these patterns and behaviours, and to get to a healthy level of self-awareness. I was always searching for a way to belong, to feel safe, and to be loved. There is no magical guide that tells you exactly which step comes next. What it took was years of listening to the little twinges inside my heart and learning to combine that with the intellect of my head. Observation, unlearning, rewiring, learning, practising, and then repeating the whole cycle again.

I grew up, but some of the rules I had learnt came with me and clung on like a heavy blanket. Even as an adult, I was a tremendous people-pleaser. I needed to ensure everybody around me was taken care of. But I was still left feeling empty. So I kept pouring more into others, to the point where I failed to notice that, at times, I was being made use of. I put myself last every single time, and to this day I still catch myself repeating those patterns.

Slowly but surely, I started seeing the connections. They were like near-invisible strings of a spider’s web intertwining through every season of my life. The strings had probably always been there, but once the light caught them, I could finally see how one thing connected to another. With that came the recognition of unhealthy cycles I had already started breaking. At times, it was recognising my mother in my responses, or something in a relationship that made me question what I considered normal. I slowly began to understand parentification better, and I learnt a language for experiences I had already lived through.

Some changes were deliberate and others only became visible retrospectively. That’s when I realised reparenting had entered my daily life, and it gave me a better understanding of what I was already trying to do.

At one point, I finally began to understand why my parents became who they are today while still acknowledging what had happened to me. I realised that I could hold compassion and healthy boundaries at the same time. I can recognise that a behaviour came from my childhood and still remain responsible for what I do with it now. I can work my darn hardest to break cycles and still catch myself repeating them.

Through all of this, I started seeing the same patterns elsewhere: intimate relationships, workplaces, leadership, family businesses, authority, belonging and conflict.

Today, I am raising three children and we are all part of a blended family. I am still encountering my own reactions and occasionally discovering that something I thought I had dealt with has another layer to it. I often find myself wondering: when something familiar appears in me, can I notice it sooner, understand what it is, and decide what I want to do with it now?